now I'm a tiny bird cold and quivering in your hands. now I'm a small boy lost in a department store that's about to close. seconds ago I was a lion in your bed a storm blowing out your walls jupiter crashing into venus the climax of an opera now I'm a little lost traveler hiding in a land of giants you could kill me with the flick of a finger or a harsh word. I need your protection in this moment when I'm so open so vulnerable because this is when the phantoms come this is when the black wordless void where I was taken as a child returns to claim me again opening its dark mouth under my feet pulling me down into its throat sending me back in time to myself showing me how small and alone I was when it happened. please don't abandon me now not now stay close be with me breathe with me just give me a few minutes and I'll be the man you know again.
The afterwards by Rick Belden, unless otherwise expressly stated, is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Very powerful imagery Rick as well as the expression of changing feelings. xxx
horatia: Thank you for reading and sharing your response. I appreciate your interest and support of my work.
Wow…how extremely raw in feeling, and I am there too…with you in the words. I feel what you feel. Thank-you for sharing this vulnerability…this part of you we’d never see otherwise.
Aphrodite: Thanks. I think ‘vulnerability’ is definitely the keyword for this one. There’s a prominent cultural meme that men are unfeeling animals or machines when it comes to sex, especially immediately after climaxing, and it’s simply not true. I think a lot of men who shut down or push partners away after sex (or appear to) do so precisely because it is a vulnerable moment, physically as well as psychologically and emotionally, and therefore feels very unsafe. A history of prior trauma or damage, as in my case, merely amplifies the vulnerability that is naturally present.
It is difficult to explain what I am feeling after reading this, Rick…I have to admit my first reaction was “How can one go from the euphoric feeling of climax to memories and feelings of childhood trauma so quickly?” Then, “as he pulls away, not thinking of what she needs, which is to be close to him as well, because of her vulnerability at this time, this need to be reassured that this was more than just a physical act rather than an emotional one” Because I do not believe that men and women view sex in the same way. To women, sex is an emotional experience, while I believe in men, it is a physical experience. And the woman needs to know that he is there for her as well. And I don’t think most men get that.
I was surprised and intrigued that men feel vulnerable, it is something I had never really thought about before.
That’s a very honest response, Jan, and I appreciate it.
I can’t speak for all men (obviously), but for me, sex has never been purely or even primarily a physical experience. There’s always been an emotional aspect, and if the sex occurred in the context of an intimate relationship, the experience was often deeply and supremely emotional, as well as spiritual, in nature.
Other men (those who were honest enough to share their true experiences about this with me) have shared similar thoughts, so I don’t believe this idea that “sex is primarily emotional for women and primarily physical for men” is really true.
Of course, as with all aspects of human behavior, there are individual variances along a wide spectrum. Some people (men and women alike) are going to experience sex more as a physical act than others. Some (men and women alike) are better at compartmentalizing their feelings than others, whether it’s about sex or something else.
But as I said in my previous comment, I think a lot of men who shut down or push partners away after sex (or appear to) do so precisely because it is a vulnerable moment, physically as well as psychologically and emotionally, and therefore feels very unsafe. I also think that men are often very aware of the need for safety and reassurance that many women feel after sex, which puts additional pressure on them to “man up” and force their own vulnerability back down. Over time this can cause resentment that closes the man down even further, which only amplifies the growing isolation both parties may feel after sex.
This is a complicated area and I’m certainly no expert, but those are some of my thoughts.
The thing that makes me mad about this is that it would never need to be vulnerable and trauma revisiting if they had just left us alone.
Indeed. That anger is understandable and totally justified.