fountain

sweet scent
swirling swimming
she surprised
surrendered
allowed me inside
her sacred space
where I
recollected remembered
reconnected myself
and now I
don't want to wash
the taste of her fountain
from my skin.

(PDF version)

losing self

insane ringing in my bones
I fell out of sync with the bees
I stared down into a hole in myself
	a hollow space age mistake
disconnected from the heart outward
	a lost butterfly floating
in a heat mirage.

(PDF version)

shelter

savage depression
take me in
shelter me from what I cannot fix
protect me from what I cannot feel
	lest it shatter my heart
	into slivers and shards.

dearest friend who is always there for me
the only one who always understands
never minimizes or denies
or tries to tell me
	smile!
	cheer up!
	be thankful!
when I'm barely able to draw a breath
chest anchored to the bottom of the ocean
drowning in a black truth
foreign and incomprehensible
to those who spend their lives dwelling
in the busy rhythm of the surface.

(PDF version)

hold me raw

sometimes I feel like I'm
gonna go stark raving
spontaneously-disintegrating-into-a-
cloud-of-randomly-circulating-electrons
batshit crazy mad if I can't
roll over in bed into the
arms of someone who'll love
me and hold me when I feel
raw scared insecure uncertain lonely
even if it's only for a few
minutes every few years so I
don't feel so goddam
alone in this world.

(PDF version)

gemini kitten

gemini kitten with your
supernova eyes
drown me in your
fountain of youth.

charm me with your purple advance
overcome my disbelief
knock my train right off its tracks
reignite my burnt-out heart.

win me over
come inside
wake me up then
go away.

rebel foxy feisty genius
micro romance blindside flash
leave me sleepless in the dark
calling for my missing twin.

(PDF version)

secret children

a desert
a wasteland
cold.

something terrible
thousands and thousands of crude wooden crosses
	the skeleton of a child nailed to each and every one
close your eyes and imagine this
imagine your own child in this place
imagine yourself.

winter winds whip the bones of these children
rib cages frozen in fear decades ago rattle but
	keep their secrets still.

between the bones
	there is ice
inside the ice
	there is fire
within the fire
	there is a secret
the secret that keeps them here.

each child was brought here by an adult
	a trusted friend
brought here
	exploited
	split open
	left here
left to hang in this bitter wind and commune with ghosts.

the child never had a choice.

these children have families that love them dearly
	blind families that will see no evil
	deaf families that will hear no evil
	dumb families that will speak no evil.

families that cannot believe 
	a child's body knows the difference between 
	fantasy and reality
	... are you sure you're not making this up?

families that cannot believe 
	their beautiful children could have been 
	taken away
	... but you were such a happy child!
 
families that cannot believe 
	this could ever happen to 
	their own children
	... not in this family!

families that cannot believe 
	the words sexually abused could ever describe 
	their own children
	... no secrets in this family, by god!

it is not too late for these children
they await resurrection and salvation
they ache to be healed
	but cannot do it alone
fathers mothers brothers and sisters
lovers spouses families and friends
	they need you.

take them down from these crosses
	trust them
welcome them into your heart
	love them
hold them close and warm their coldest places
	hear them
feel their fire and honor it
	believe them.

one secret at a time
one child at a time
	believe them.

(PDF version | Video version)

little iron man

angry eyes burn behind cold metal mask
muscles tensed for fight in flight
repulsor rays    boot jets    armor
he is iron man.

all-powerful controller    master of his fate
vengeful righteous realist    almighty godlike hero
protector    judge    destroyer    martyr
invincible impervious inhuman.

mechanical masculinity    lover of the machine
better safe than sorry    greedy me-first hoarder
	dark doomy death dealer
	self-satisfying soul stealer
	childhood's chosen champion.

his armor
	once glistening    once wonderful
now binds and holds in place
	battle-scarred    time-tarnished    too small
	pitted    scorched    outdated    in the way
barrier to growth and love and life.

I tried to forget him
	but he came to me in dreams
I tried to kill him
	but he was stronger than I am
I tried to banish him
	but he wouldn't leave me
so I pulled off his grim metal mask.

a child's face    my face    revealed at last
frustrated    frightened    familiar    hopeful
	little boy with wounded heart
scared of the body he can't control
afraid to come outside    it hurts to be with people
a quarter century in an armor shell
	waiting for mommy and daddy to make it right.

(PDF version | Video version | Audio version with discussion)

20 in 2012

What follows is a list of the twenty new poems I completed in 2012. Fifteen of these were new as in “written in full in 2012″ and the other five were started in a previous year (as far back as 2009), set aside and forgotten, and then rediscovered and completed this year.

Twenty poems doesn’t seem like much for a whole year. I’ve struggled with two extended periods of severe writer’s block since the beginning of 2012 (first from January into early June, then again from early September onward). For most of this year, writing anything at all has felt like trying to crush coal into diamonds in my bare hands, Superman style. I’d like to have written more poetry this year, if only because I don’t feel fully connected with myself when weeks and months pass without writing any. But given the circumstances, I’m happy with the quality of what I’ve written and feel fortunate to have produced as much as I did.

January:

March:

June:

July:

August:

September:

October:

November:

last trip to the doll house

christmas
the most wonderful time of the year
	or so that cheerful guy in the annoying song
	keeps telling me
time to huddle up with the wife and kids
	mom and dad
	brothers and sisters
	the whole family
but what if there is no wife and kids
what if the family is busted
	like a holiday plate
	someone dropped on the floor.

I got what I wanted for christmas one year
	I got to spend the day with myself
	I didn't have to lie to anyone
	or pretend everything was fine when it wasn't
but the evening was restless
	and bored
	and lonely
so I went out in search of some heat
	a connection
even a fake one would do.

the connections were fake
	but the tequila was real
	and so was the hot blur that came with it
and so was the desire to end the night in the illusion of intimacy
	if only for a few moments
even if I had to give up a piece of myself to make it happen.

I hadn't paid for sex in years
I didn't know where to go anymore
I drove around for a couple of hours but
	all the old places I remembered from wilder days
	were long gone or locked up tight
the last place on my list was a joint called the doll house
and when I got there I discovered
	that the doll house had been eaten by a fire
so I ended my search and my christmas
	sitting alone in a parking lot at 4 AM
	staring into the blackened shell
of a burned-out doll house.

I took the hint
I got the message
	and I was relieved
 
I knew this was my last trip to the doll house
	end of the list
	end of the line
no more hookers for me.

(PDF version)