sweet scent swirling swimming she surprised surrendered allowed me inside her sacred space where I recollected remembered reconnected myself and now I don't want to wash the taste of her fountain from my skin.
insane ringing in my bones I fell out of sync with the bees I stared down into a hole in myself a hollow space age mistake disconnected from the heart outward a lost butterfly floating in a heat mirage.
savage depression take me in shelter me from what I cannot fix protect me from what I cannot feel lest it shatter my heart into slivers and shards. dearest friend who is always there for me the only one who always understands never minimizes or denies or tries to tell me smile! cheer up! be thankful! when I'm barely able to draw a breath chest anchored to the bottom of the ocean drowning in a black truth foreign and incomprehensible to those who spend their lives dwelling in the busy rhythm of the surface.
sometimes I feel like I'm gonna go stark raving spontaneously-disintegrating-into-a- cloud-of-randomly-circulating-electrons batshit crazy mad if I can't roll over in bed into the arms of someone who'll love me and hold me when I feel raw scared insecure uncertain lonely even if it's only for a few minutes every few years so I don't feel so goddam alone in this world.
gemini kitten with your supernova eyes drown me in your fountain of youth. charm me with your purple advance overcome my disbelief knock my train right off its tracks reignite my burnt-out heart. win me over come inside wake me up then go away. rebel foxy feisty genius micro romance blindside flash leave me sleepless in the dark calling for my missing twin.
dead man tears fill my mouth dead man breath clouds my eyes. heartsick heartbeat laughing banshees hollow haunted house primed to burst.
a desert a wasteland cold. something terrible thousands and thousands of crude wooden crosses the skeleton of a child nailed to each and every one close your eyes and imagine this imagine your own child in this place imagine yourself. winter winds whip the bones of these children rib cages frozen in fear decades ago rattle but keep their secrets still. between the bones there is ice inside the ice there is fire within the fire there is a secret the secret that keeps them here. each child was brought here by an adult a trusted friend brought here exploited split open left here left to hang in this bitter wind and commune with ghosts. the child never had a choice. these children have families that love them dearly blind families that will see no evil deaf families that will hear no evil dumb families that will speak no evil. families that cannot believe a child's body knows the difference between fantasy and reality ... are you sure you're not making this up? families that cannot believe their beautiful children could have been taken away ... but you were such a happy child! families that cannot believe this could ever happen to their own children ... not in this family! families that cannot believe the words sexually abused could ever describe their own children ... no secrets in this family, by god! it is not too late for these children they await resurrection and salvation they ache to be healed but cannot do it alone fathers mothers brothers and sisters lovers spouses families and friends they need you. take them down from these crosses trust them welcome them into your heart love them hold them close and warm their coldest places hear them feel their fire and honor it believe them. one secret at a time one child at a time believe them.
angry eyes burn behind cold metal mask muscles tensed for fight in flight repulsor rays boot jets armor he is iron man. all-powerful controller master of his fate vengeful righteous realist almighty godlike hero protector judge destroyer martyr invincible impervious inhuman. mechanical masculinity lover of the machine better safe than sorry greedy me-first hoarder dark doomy death dealer self-satisfying soul stealer childhood's chosen champion. his armor once glistening once wonderful now binds and holds in place battle-scarred time-tarnished too small pitted scorched outdated in the way barrier to growth and love and life. I tried to forget him but he came to me in dreams I tried to kill him but he was stronger than I am I tried to banish him but he wouldn't leave me so I pulled off his grim metal mask. a child's face my face revealed at last frustrated frightened familiar hopeful little boy with wounded heart scared of the body he can't control afraid to come outside it hurts to be with people a quarter century in an armor shell waiting for mommy and daddy to make it right.
What follows is a list of the twenty new poems I completed in 2012. Fifteen of these were new as in “written in full in 2012″ and the other five were started in a previous year (as far back as 2009), set aside and forgotten, and then rediscovered and completed this year.
Twenty poems doesn’t seem like much for a whole year. I’ve struggled with two extended periods of severe writer’s block since the beginning of 2012 (first from January into early June, then again from early September onward). For most of this year, writing anything at all has felt like trying to crush coal into diamonds in my bare hands, Superman style. I’d like to have written more poetry this year, if only because I don’t feel fully connected with myself when weeks and months pass without writing any. But given the circumstances, I’m happy with the quality of what I’ve written and feel fortunate to have produced as much as I did.
christmas the most wonderful time of the year or so that cheerful guy in the annoying song keeps telling me time to huddle up with the wife and kids mom and dad brothers and sisters the whole family but what if there is no wife and kids what if the family is busted like a holiday plate someone dropped on the floor. I got what I wanted for christmas one year I got to spend the day with myself I didn't have to lie to anyone or pretend everything was fine when it wasn't but the evening was restless and bored and lonely so I went out in search of some heat a connection even a fake one would do. the connections were fake but the tequila was real and so was the hot blur that came with it and so was the desire to end the night in the illusion of intimacy if only for a few moments even if I had to give up a piece of myself to make it happen. I hadn't paid for sex in years I didn't know where to go anymore I drove around for a couple of hours but all the old places I remembered from wilder days were long gone or locked up tight the last place on my list was a joint called the doll house and when I got there I discovered that the doll house had been eaten by a fire so I ended my search and my christmas sitting alone in a parking lot at 4 AM staring into the blackened shell of a burned-out doll house. I took the hint I got the message and I was relieved I knew this was my last trip to the doll house end of the list end of the line no more hookers for me.