Category Archives: voices

Painful projections

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"Blue Projection Blindness" by David Jewell.

Last December, I published a post titled “A male survivor’s perspective on ‘rape culture’” in which I wrote about attending my first group for male survivors of childhood sexual abuse at the local rape crisis center. I recalled that as men entering a space most prominently defined as a safe space for women, an environment where men were perceived by many to be the enemy, we were less than welcome:

I’ll never forget the looks I received from the women I encountered as I crossed the parking lot and entered the building. Hostility would be putting it mildly …

I could understand the attitude, given the “men are perpetrators, not victims” orthodoxy of the time and the likelihood that at least some of the women felt profoundly unsafe around men due to personal history. I could allow for all of that, but it didn’t make screwing up the courage to face the unearned anger, scorn, and disdain every week any less of a challenge.

The publication of my post resulted in an email conversation with a female reader who, having also read some of my poetry (including this one), said:

I wrote something, encouraged by the directness of your poems, and even though I don’t want to share it as ‘me’, I would like to share it anonymously. The idea came to me that this could be something that would fit well with your mission and would allow you to address the topic you addressed here further, on how it’s important for women to understand the impact they have on the men around them who had nothing to do with their abuse trauma …

Writing this has been a big healing milestone for me and an anchor point and I wouldn’t have if it hadn’t been for your e-mail. Thank you!

With her permission, I’m posting her poem below (anonymously per her request). Beyond its personal significance for the author, this poem is a wonderful example of how an open-hearted dialogue, in which men and women hold their own space while allowing space for the other, can lead to significant new insights and better understanding of self as well as of the other. As such, it is a welcome antidote to the deeply held antagonism and bitter power struggles so rampant nowadays in what is commonly known as the gender wars. It serves as a much-needed reminder that a healing conversation between men and women is still possible, especially if we are willing to identify and take full ownership of our personal histories, projections, and fears.

Here is her poem. It is untitled.

I already knew that love was foreign to you.

Yet mom always said you are a typical (normal) man

and so for a long time I believed her.

I knew that getting on your good side
meant being rational.
I knew that the closest thing you knew to love
was respecting someone
because they were able to win.

I tried hard to win.

Yet the better I got,
the more I was losing.

I got to a point where I realised I didn't want to compete with you for approval.
I didn't want to try so hard to get your 'positive' attention.

I started to understand that it wasn't normal that I had to try so hard.
I started to understand that you are not a typical, nor normal man at all.

All this time I'd expected all the men in my life to be like you,
and so I let them get away with being cold and rational,
just like I expected.

I was pushing away all the good men out there,
because I didn't believe they really existed.

Sometimes I was mean to someone
and I didn't understand where it came from.
Or I didn't realise I was being mean at all.

I had forgotten that I was maintaining
two different versions of you:
version one was the man who did
what you did.
Version two was the man who did
what you should have done.

I waited a long time for version two to materialize in you,
and all that time,
I was angry at all the men out there
because I believed that deep inside,
they were all a version one of you.

I was confused.

I needed to be confused
to survive the insanity.

So I saw you everywhere,
except in yourself.

Now that you are you again,
all the other men
can again start morphing back
into who they truly are.

No longer version one of you.

I am sorry
for all the pain
of those projections
that kept me safe
from my own fear
of the truth.

incest.

~AnonyMiss.

Photo credit: David Jewell. Used by permission.

A different kind of Christmas story

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I love this video from Mark McGowan (AKA the “Artist Taxi Driver”) so much. Brilliant. Touching. Inspiring. Extraordinary. What an incredible story. I’ve played it over and over again.

I don’t, however, agree with his conclusion that one must spend Christmas with others. Some of my worst holidays were spent with others and some of my best were spent alone. My most difficult holidays, whether spent alone or with others, were back when I was still very wounded, still grasping for connections that were not there, and still mesmerized by the oppressive cultural conditioning around holidays that creates so much pressure and so much unnecessary misery.

But I do understand where he’s coming from and why he feels as he does, and I respect it. We’re all different in terms of our needs and personalities. I know I have a higher tolerance (and a higher need) for being alone (spending time with myself) than many others. A holiday spent in my own company that might feel just fine to me might be hell for him or someone else.

The larger and more important point, for me, is that the story he’s sharing is such a wonderfully potent example of what my friend Tom Golden calls “masculine healing action”, which in this case took the form of a transformative pilgrimage that was highly symbolic as well as extremely demanding (physically, psychologically, and emotionally). It was a completely and perfectly unique expression of one man’s heart and soul and his desire for healing and connection, unbound by the conventions and expectations of the collective as to how he “should” go about it. That is masculine healing action at its finest and most profound.

For more information about Mark’s journey, see this article from BBC news and this UK news video.

Peter de Kock – Honesty is the new gold

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I was very pleased last week to receive an email from Peter de Kock of the Netherlands telling me that he’d just published a post on his blog in which he mentioned me and my work. Peter and I became acquainted on Twitter doing the course of what evolved into the male wish list project, and we’ve stayed in touch ever since.

Peter’s post was written in his native Dutch, but he was kind enough to provide me with what he called a “rough English translation” and has given me permission to share it here on my blog. Here’s what he had to say:

Honesty is the new gold
by Peter de Kock

Ten years ago I had my first encounter with America’s most important ‘export product’: the work of people like Robert Burney and Melody Beattie.

People, often triggered by a deep personal crisis, who choose a completely different tack for living their lives. Although I am unable to give a definition of these people, you will recognize them right away if you come in contact with. They are honest, very honest. Honest in the sense of emotionally honest, vulnerable honest and loving honest. They are also disarmingly honest, if you are in contact with them you feel invited to discover more about yourself and show more of who you are.

There are more than enough people who want us all to learn how we can improve our quality of life, how we can heal our emotional wounds and on how we can develop on a personal and spiritual level. They let themselves completely off the hook so it sometimes feels as if they come from another planet where the problems we struggle with do not exist. For me this does not work.

However, there are few who truly reveal themselves and show their own wounds, pain and vulnerability. People like Robert Burney and Melody Beattie were the first people I noticed doing this in their work. By their example I felt invited into a whole new world, a world that works for me.

Last year I learned to know Rick Belden via the Twitter hashtag #malewishlist. On his business card he writes:

men’s issues and masculine psychology
poetry, dreams, and the body

Rick is also author of the book Iron Man Family Outing: Poems about Transition into a More Conscious Manhood.

When I got hold of his book it was long ago that I had read poetry and was therefore perhaps not quite prepared for what poetry about one’s deepest wounds and pain does to you. It was like going to the swimming pool with the intention so sit quietly with your feet in the water and getting accustomed to the water but then to suddenly discover that you jumped from the high diving board into the deep.

With Rick’s poetry you go with him submerged in a world that is a direct confrontation with your own wounds and pain. I could say: you have to be able to, you have to be ready. But I think it sounds better and also put more truth in it when I say that it is a matter of loving yourself enough to read this book, to feel it and experience it. Coming into contact with your wounds and pain is the most emotional gift you can give yourself because it’s healing.

Rick’s work belongs to me, like that of Robert Burney and Melody Beattie, to America’s most important export product. They have something that you can’t buy, even if you’re a billionaire: honesty.

Honesty is the new gold I sometimes say and I think that’s true.

If you want to know more about Rick Belden and his work, you’ll find it here:

Website: http://rickbelden.com
Blog: http://blog.rickbelden.com
Twitter: http://twitter.com/rickbelden

You can order Iron Man Family Outing: Poems about Transition into a More Conscious Manhood via Rick’s website or Amazon.com.

Some articles by Rick Belden:

My Life with Iron Man
Breakdown years
Being what I am not
Invisible man
The Man Behind the Mask

I was very touched by Peter’s generous description of me and of my work. As I told him after reading his remarks, it’s a great honor to have over 20 years of my life and work (a life’s work, in reality) encapsulated and reflected back to me in such an articulate, elegant fashion.

You can click here to see Peter’s original version in Dutch and here to see Google’s translation of the same page to English. You can find and follow Peter on Twitter by clicking here.

Peter subsequently published a second post featuring my video reading of my poem “face my ghosts” from my second (still to be published) book, Scapegoat’s Cross: Poems about Finding and Reclaiming the Lost Man Within. You can access Peter’s post of that video by clicking here.

Thanks again, Peter, for your openness to my work and your willingness to share your experience with it with others.

Miles Groth – “The Boy Is Father to the Man”

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“A boy learns he is lovable from his mother, but he learns how to love in the relationship with his father.” ~ Miles Groth

In the excellent video presentation that follows, Dr. Miles Groth, editor of New Male Studies: An International Journal, explores the problems, issues, challenges, and rapidly changing dynamics and expectations that boys and young men face today. He also shares his thoughts on how they are being affected and how they are trying to cope (unfortunately with limited success in many cases) with these factors their lives.

Dr. Groth’s presentation was recorded in 2011 at a symposium titled “Boyhood to Manhood: Difficulties and Challenges of Transition”. This event was held in Adelaide, Australia and was sponsored by the Australian Institute of Male Health and Studies (AIMHS).

Clear, centered, original, engaging, and highly accessible, this presentation is broken into four video segments of about 15 minutes each. Requires the commitment of some time, but well worth it.

Tom Golden – Why is it that men’s grief is so invisible?

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I’m featuring a guest post today by Tom Golden, psychotherapist and author of Swallowed by a Snake: The Gift of the Masculine Side of Healing. The material that follows originally appeared as a series of posts on Tom’s Facebook page in which he explored the issue of why so many men find it difficult to express grief, and why they may feel it is unsafe to do so. I’ve collected that series here, with links back to his original Facebook posts.

Why is it that men’s grief is so invisible?
By Tom Golden

Why is it that men’s grief is so invisible? What do you think?

The first element that makes men’s grief invisible is our cultural taboo on men’s emotional pain. A man’s emotional pain is a problem while a woman’s emotional pain is seen as a call to action. People tend to avoid men’s pain.

The second element that makes men’s grief invisible is how men are locked into the provide and protect role. When you provide and protect others, who is providing and protecting you? No one. You better tough it out and do it quietly. If you don’t, shame is coming your way.

A third element that makes men’s grief invisible is the fact that our culture expects men to be independent and punishes men for being dependent. A dependent man is not seen as a “real” man. Is it any wonder that men avoid open expression of emotions? Here’s a quote from Peter Marin from an excellent article he wrote titled “Abandoning Men: Jill Gets Welfare–Jack Becomes Homeless”. Marin says: “To put it simply: men are neither supposed nor allowed to be dependent. They are expected to take care of others and themselves. And when they cannot or will not do it, then the assumption at the heart of the culture is that they are somehow less than men and therefore unworthy of help. An irony asserts itself: by being in need of help, men forfeit the right to it.” Exactly!

A fourth element that makes men’s grief less visible is that men tend to live in a dominance hierarchy. We are all aware of the dominance hierarchy of the Big Horn Sheep with their head butting but few of us are aware that human males are now being seen as living within a similar hierarchy. Within this hierarchy the males strive for status in order to improve their reproductive success. Usually this is done in niches and small groups where males compete but it can manifest on a national or international level. The important point here is that men will strive to portray their best sides in order to insure the best possible placement within the hierarchy. Of course this also means that they will have ample reason to want to conceal “weakness” and “dependency” and that of course includes grief.

Women may scoff at this since they don’t have the same experience in this sort of hierarchical arrangement….except for one spot, attractiveness. Women will tend to compete with each other in a hierarchy of attractiveness. Ladies have you ever tried to hide or conceal a part of yourself that you see as less attractive? If so, this is very similar behavior to men not wanting to publicly emote.

The last element that makes men’s grief less visible is their unique biology. The impact of men’s hormones and their likelihood of having a “masculine” brain both play into men’s processing of emotions. Men have about 10 times the testosterone as their female counterparts. This seems to play a role in the processing of emotions by limiting emotional tears and diminishing the man’s ability to articulate his emotions as he is experiencing them. Both of these qualities have been badly misinterpreted with men all too often being seen as cold and unfeeling.

Men’s grief is simply less visible. When people start to understand these differences they are in a much better position to not judge men unfairly. All too often men are expected to emote and process emotions in the same way that women do. Women are seen as the default and men who fail to compare to that standard are deemed deficient. We need to see each person as an individual and avoid the trap of expecting them to be like ourselves. We are all different. Viva la difference!

Tom is now finishing his next book, a “video book” titled The Way Men Heal. It will offer text, video, and images explaining the above ideas and much more about the paths men do tend to choose in their healing whether it is from a death, a divorce, the loss of a job, or some other difficulty. The book is meant to highlight the masculine path and make it easily visible and understood while honoring men for their unique paths in healing.

The male wish list

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"Lightning" by David Jewell. Copyright © 2013 by David Jewell.

A few months ago, my UK friend Tony Martin (@redfoxcountry on Twitter) had the brilliant idea of starting a “male wish list” on Twitter using the hashtag #malewishlist. I was so inspired by this idea, and this subject, that in addition to posting a number of #malewishlist tweets myself, I also did what I could to bring as many other male voices into the mix as possible.

The results were outstanding. It was great to see so many men sharing their most heartfelt desires in such a free and spontaneous way, and as the list grew, I felt I was beginning to see the formation of a running archive of communiqués from the deepest inner lives of men.

I was hoping the list would be ongoing, but things didn’t work out that way, and before too long the #malewishlist tweets began to subside. I was comforted, however, by the knowledge that the list built in that short time, that little archive of authentic moments in the masculine heart, would remain available for anyone who wanted to see it, any time.

What I didn’t know was that tweets posted with hashtags fall off Twitter’s search radar after ten days. As a result, the list rapidly withered away as the oldest tweets fell outside the scope of Twitter’s ten-day search window. Gradually, relentlessly, the male wish list became, once again, hidden from view and, for all practical purposes, invisible.

This was a great disappointment to me. I tried to retrieve what I could out of the Twitter memory hole, but my efforts came up short and I finally decided, very reluctantly, that it was time to let it go, thinking I’d seen the last of the male wish list.

But I was pleasantly surprised this morning to discover I was wrong about that. Peter de Kock, a friend in the Netherlands and one of the contributors to the list, has managed to compile a large number of the original tweets (some of which I’d never seen myself) and posted them on his blog at:

Wat mannen echt willen – what men really want

In addition to my great happiness at seeing this information preserved when I thought it lost, I’m also relieved, surprised, and very touched to be reminded once again that I don’t have to do everything myself. I’m so accustomed to thinking that I have no help with the things that matter most deeply to me and that if I don’t take care of them, no one will. As a matter of fact, one of my original contributions to the male wish list was this:

To know I don’t have to do it all alone.

Thank you, Peter, for showing me that I don’t.

Photo credit: David Jewell. Used by permission.

Book review: “Zen in the Art of Photography”

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Zen in the Art of Photography, by psychotherapist and photographer Robert Leverant, is a gracefully tight articulation of philosophy and process that reads like poetry. This little book is beautiful in both appearance and content. It even feels good in my hands. I’m neither a photographer nor an expert on Zen, but I enjoyed this book nonetheless, and I think that says something about the universal truths contained within.

Many of the insights offered about the process of creating a photograph echoed my own experience as a writer and poet. Leverant speaks of photography as “an art of waiting” and “an art of listening.” If the photographer listens well enough, if he has developed sufficient discipline, the photo takes itself. I’ve often told others that I feel as if my poems write themselves, but this only happens when I’m able to give them the time and space they need to emerge.

The processes and philosophy in this book may be specific to photography, but I believe that anyone engaged in creative activity who reads it can gain some valuable insights into the value of waiting, listening, and allowing art, whatever the chosen medium, to find its own path.

Kathleen Freeman – “House Rules”

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Kathleen Freeman is a poet in the UK who’s recently been posting some incredibly lovely, vital work on her blog in a series of poems entitled “Legacy for a two year old”. Today I’m featuring a very poignant piece from her new series, just started, called “Slouching Beyond Two”.

House Rules

Sit up straight don’t slouch.
Stop crying I will give you something to cry for.
Don’t answer back.
Pull yourself together.
Do as I say pay attention.
Don’t fidget sit still.

Those who ask don’t get.
Those who don’t ask don’t want.
If the wind changes your face will stay like that.
Speak when you are spoken to.
Little girls should be seen and not heard.
You must make the best of yourself.

If you don’t abide by my rules you can leave.

Don’t stare it’s rude to stare.
Stop that now rude girl.

I am not staring I am looking.
I am searching I am yearning.

Where are you?

Kathleen Freeman

Choosing one poem from among the many fine pieces Kathleen has written so far was a rather hard decision. You can see more of her work and keep up with her latest posts at kathleenfreemanpoems.

Ben Ringler – Disowned Male Rage and Its Impact on Society

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Today’s post is a very excellent article from psychotherapist Ben Ringler, reprinted here with his permission.

Disowned Male Rage and Its Impact on Society

Disowned male rage is pervasive. It is reflected in the violence in our streets and in the wars we wage, the many battered women and children behind the closed doors of both our tenements and picturesque white picket fenced homes, the many homeless aimlessly wandering our city streets. It is even reflected in the function of our government; on a deep psychological level, our public policies are created and implemented to create separation and to support the denial of one’s (especially men in position of power) own destructive capacity.

We all suffer (disease, depression, addiction, violence) when we, as men, do not identify and take responsibility for the rage we are taught and develop from various childhood traumas.

Origins
Male rage is passed down and is a response to the environment. The parent who fails to deal with his (or her) own childhood rage either shuts down or attacks his own son, simultaneously passing on rage and teaching him that rage is dangerous and is to be feared. The absence of fathers in boys’ lives is an epidemic. Partially as a result, many men are still attached to their mothers, continuing to try to win their love (with their girlfriends and wives) while simultaneously being enraged about the resulting lack of personal freedom. For many, public policies and violent suppression of one group of people over another contributes to the existence of rage. The origins of rage, much of which has not been mentioned here, are both personal and societal.

Resulting Psychology
As a result, men internalize this original relationship to caretakers and the emotion of rage. Many hide from their own rage, repress it, fear it, find any substance or activity they can to distract themselves from it, while others act out, expressing rage violently. Depression is an epidemic in our culture, partially due to the unconscious repression of rage. Despite these efforts, we see the subtle and blatant evidence that male rage cannot be fully contained: car fatalities, school shootings, rape, beatings, gang violence. Instead of acknowledging and being with the truth of their own rage, many men deny it and project it onto others and then distance themselves from, and vilifying the other, while exalting themselves.

Domestic Policies Reflect Disowned Male Rage
The dynamic of denying male rage is reflected in our domestic policies. Our economic, health and education policies empower one segment of society while disempowering others in order for those disempowered others to serve as receptacles for others’ rage. For instance, the credit system (as part of modern day capitalism) as currently constituted is a spiraling downward trap for the non-wealthy. Meanwhile, as stress levels increase, access to health care is diminished and children are expected to learn to be (and are labeled if they cannot be) compliant, focused, and well behaved in school so they can grow up to be compliant, well behaved, “adult” consumers. These policies are developed to create a perpetual collective psychological split, where the Haves can live a serene life devoid of discomfort while the Have-nots live with the chaos of the collective male rage.

Societal Implications
We all are suffering from the imbalance from disowned male rage. No one is immune from the affliction that men are experiencing today. Women are treated violently and/or are neglected and dishonored. Pervasive depression, disillusionment, nervous breakdowns, sexual dysfunction and cancer are the consequences of disowned male rage just as the bullet wounds, overdoses and heart attacks are. We over-consume to not feel our rage, destroy our environment, hoping that the newest technology will protect us from our raging selves. We are out of balance with a part of the collective male psyche. The destructiveness of this imbalance is more evident every day.

What Can Be Done?
All men are responsible for acknowledging their own rage and finding the support to understand and change their relationship to it.

There are resources out there to help men. Individual, one-on-one psychotherapy, with a therapist can be quite effective. There are a variety of other modalities (acupuncture, energy work, body work) out there that can be of help as well. Men’s group work is often a powerful method of understanding not only one’s own rage but of the collective male rage that exists. There is a desperate need within each man to gather together with other men and talk about this with each other, to support, listen, advise, particularly around rage.

I am drawn to working with men around their relationship to rage, because there is a tremendous amount of creative, sexual, alive energy freed up when we acknowledge and accept rage. My approach is to help men become of aware of how they relate to rage, by either hiding from or attacking blindly. This awareness allows for deeper self-acceptance and vast opportunities for personal growth and expression.

I think Ben makes a lot of very useful points in this piece, not the least of which is this one (emphasis mine):

“All men are responsible for acknowledging their own rage and finding the support to understand and change their relationship to it.”

For me, the statement Ben is making here is particularly important. I’ve seen some very disturbing information on the web recently, information written by men and aimed at men, that asserts that for a man to be conscious, he must apologize (i.e., take responsibility) for every bad thing that every other man who’s ever existed has done. That is wrong, toxic, and harmful for all sorts of reasons that I’m not going to go into here.

But Ben, in his statement above, gets it right. If we are truly honest with ourselves, we know that we can only take responsibility for our own feelings, our own actions, our own behaviors, and our own wounds. For most of us, that is more than enough to handle in one lifetime.

I also like Ben’s emphasis on the importance of group work for men. I just finished a 10-week men’s group and it was a great experience for me. It wasn’t my first men’s group, but it was my first in a long time. I may share more about that in a future post, but for now I’ll just say that my personal experience over many years confirms Ben’s statements about the need and the unique benefits of group work for men.

To learn more about Ben and his work, visit his website at benringler.com.

Book review: “Growing Balls: Personal Power for Young Men”

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I’ve recently been reading a book called Growing Balls: Personal Power for Young Men by David Hafter. Hafter, a licensed marriage and family therapist with over twenty years of experience working with teenagers, young adults, and their families, describes the book on his website as “a concise self-help book focusing on the serious subject of helping young men to avoid the pitfalls of premature marriage and fatherhood.”

Having read the book, I can’t think of a higher recommendation than this: I sure wish I’d had this book, or one like it, when I was a young man. Even at the “advanced” age of 53, I feel like I’ve gained something from reading it. It’s also reminded me of how fortunate I am that some of the poor decisions I made and risks I took while stumbling through life as a teen and a young man didn’t have far more severe consequences for me, and potentially for others, than they did.

Hafter’s commitment to the welfare of boys and young men, and to helping them make smart choices during their formative years that will not come back to haunt them later in life, is evident on every page. He is clear, direct, real, and wise, a compassionate pragmatist and a knowing, straight-talking, much-needed voice of experience that so many boys and young men lack in their lives.

Ideally, every boy and young man would have a mentor like Hafter, but we’re not there yet. For now, we’re fortunate to have a book like this one to offer as a resource to the many boys and men who desperately need a source of caring, practical masculine wisdom and guidance that talks like men talk, neither puts them down nor idealizes them, and pulls no punches when it comes to exploring the realities of choices and consequences they will face in life. I hope this book finds the large audience it so richly deserves.

For more information, visit http://growingballs.com.