Written in three parts, TURNED ON allows the reader to inhabit the internal mindset of three people: Marc, a highly educated professional man who is a heavy user of pornography and telephone sexlines; his therapist, who facilitates the unfolding of Marc’s personal social history and the process of recovery; and Louise, the bright but lifetime disadvantaged telephone sexline worker whose story illuminates aspects of the wider effects of a pornized society, especially on women.

I’ll get to the point: this is a damn good book. The characters of Marc and Louise felt like real people to me. I cared about them, and I wanted to know what was going to happen to them. I also admired and enjoyed what I would call the “slightly shuffled” structure of the timeline of events in the book, which kept me a little off balance and disoriented as a reader, but in a good way that actually drew me more deeply into the experience of the book.

Another positive aspect of TURNED ON is well-articulated by therapist Patricia Mills, who said in her review of the book, “Refreshingly, the male isn’t demonised with only the woman being seen as victim. The gender issues raised were based on fact rather than emotion.” I would agree. I felt the presentation of gender roles and dynamics in the book was as skillfully balanced as it could possibly be.

In my review of TURNED ON at Amazon UK, I said, in part:

“Turned On” is a dark journey, to be sure, and not for the faint of heart or those who may be offended or disturbed by a frank presentation of the shadow side of human sexual experience. But more importantly, in my view, it is a journey of awakening to the possibilities of healing and positive change that can only come with a fully felt awareness of the truths of oneself, one’s history, and one’s life. And that is a journey well-taken.

Reading this book is a “stand in the fire” type of experience, and as such, is not for everyone. Some will find the subject matter and strong language used by the characters, not to mention their behavior (sexual and otherwise), objectionable. Others who are deeply sensitive and/or have a history of trauma may find that there are too many triggers. And some folks simply don’t want to know about these things, period. But for those who want to know, who need to know, and who understand that a walk through the darkness can lead to a deeper, more expansive experience of the light, this is a great and illuminating book.

For additional information or to order a copy of TURNED ON, visit wittingpress.wordpress.com.

One of the exercises I use in trainings for therapists is to ask the audience to imagine they are going to dinner at their favorite restaurant. Give them a second to imagine that scene and then suggest they are being seated and as they walk to their table they see a woman who is crying over at a corner table. Ask them what their response is to her and then ask why they think she might have been crying. Invariably people will chime in and say things like “poor dear,” “she’s upset,” “she needs support,” “she probably just broke up with her boyfriend,” etc. There is usually a friendly and concerned tone to their responses.

Then I ask that they erase that image and go back to walking in the restaurant and being seated. Then I tell them that in the same corner table there is a man who is crying. What is their response to him and why do they think he might be crying? Usually the response is that he is likely drunk, that he is to be avoided, and that there is likely something wrong with him! LOL. Steer clear of that guy. People are usually fairly shocked at their own bias and they start to get a sense of the sort of minefield that men face in this sort of situation.

I really love this. If the dramatic contrast in reactions to the two situations doesn’t turn on some light bulbs in the audience, then the power must be off.

Here’s another excellent, thought-provoking little piece from Tom on the subject of men and crying:

“A Man’s Tears and His Family”

Great stuff and such an important topic, for men and women alike. For more information about Tom Golden and his work, you can visit his website, webhealing.com.

a single thought

a newspaper rustles
a ball bounces
and I think of you
because that’s all I have now
well
have ever had of you
a thought on my brain
you gave me no more
so I left
and here I lay
with another man
in his bed

and it was only a few months ago
you were inside of me
and we talked about having babies

Trisha Freeman

Did you feel it? Bam! A little shot of reality, personal and true. Very tight, not a wasted word, and so real it hurts. This is the kind of poetry I like the best.

Boys and Men Healing is a documentary about the impact the sexual abuse of boys has on both the individual and society, and the importance of healing and speaking out for male survivors to end the devastating effects. The film portrays courageous non-offending men whose arduous healing helped them reclaim their lives …

Boys and Men Healing is a source of hope and inspiration for all men who have suffered sexual abuse and violence. The men are candid about a seemingly hopeless issue which affects us all. The film is witness to survivors’ ability to thrive and lead fulfilling lives, while advocating for prevention and education to protect children.

As I watched the preview clip, I felt awed and humbled by the strength, courage, integrity, and dignity demonstrated by the men who spoke and shared their stories with the filmmaker in the service of healing themselves and others. So many men feel so terribly alone with these wounds. Men and boys who’ve been injured in this way need to know that they are not alone and that healing is possible. I hope this film moves us all one step closer to a world in which sexual violation of boys and men is no longer tolerated and those who’ve been violated have ready access to the resources they need for healing, and feel safe enough to seek those resources out.

To view the extended preview clip for Boys and Men Healing and read more about the film, go to:

http://www.bigvoicepictures.com
http://www.bigvoicepictures.com/boys-and-men-healing

Here are some other good resources for men who are working to heal the effects of sexual abuse and violence:

1in6 – Help for Men Who Have Had Unwanted or Abusive Sexual Experiences in Childhood

AMSOSA – Adult Male Survivors Of Sexual Abuse (United Kingdom)

MaleSurvivor – The National Organization against Male Sexual Victimization

Update (07/13/10): I’ve been informed by Boys and Men Healing producer/director Kathy Barbini that there will be a screening and discussion of her film here in Austin on July 23 at the Texas Association Against Sexual Assault (TAASA) during the July TAASA Mobilizing Men Task Force Meeting. For details about the event, visit the TAASA website at http://www.taasa.org.

This endeavor by website founder Eivind Figenschau Skjellum and his fellow contributors is ambitious in its scope and, from what I’ve seen so far, consistent in both the quality of information presented and the approach taken with the movies and other material chosen for inclusion on the site.

Masculinity-Movies.com is a great resource for anyone interested in an insightful exploration of the expression of masculine psychology, themes, and experience in the cinema, and I hope folks will check it out.

“I’m aware of my songs. I’m aware of them because they’re about true emotions, true feelings, things that matter. And you don’t ever forget grief or joy, do you? They’re the constant companions of a human being. If you can coin them accurately enough, they will always be there.”

- John Lydon from A.V. Club interview, April 6, 2010

Beautifully expressed, and so very true.

Is My Soul Asleep?

Is my soul asleep?
Have those beehives that work
in the night stopped? And the water-
wheel of thought, is it
going around now, cups
empty, carrying only shadows?

No, my soul is not asleep.
It is awake, wide awake.
It neither sleeps nor dreams, but watches,
its eyes wide open
far-off things, and listens
at the shores of the great silence.

Antonio Machado

These periods when I am not writing, when I seem to be unable to write, are always difficult for me, and I do feel at times as if my soul is asleep, or has left me somehow. Those angels with whom I was wrestling not so long ago seem very far away from me now, and I miss them.

Two of these three events (ruptured appendix and broken wrist/shoulder) required major surgeries and nearly a week of hospitalization each. In all three cases, I found myself temporarily helpless, vulnerable, and completely dependent on the kindness, mercy, and generosity of others for my daily survival for extended periods of time. And in all three cases, I was deeply and profoundly reminded that injury and illness, rehabilitation and recovery, and health itself are never purely physical in nature, as so brilliantly expressed in the following poem by D.H. Lawrence.

Healing

I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.
And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill.
I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self
and the wounds to the soul take a long, long time, only time can help
and patience, and a certain difficult repentance
long, difficult repentance, realization of life’s mistake, and the freeing oneself
from the endless repetition of the mistake
which mankind at large has chosen to sanctify.

D.H. Lawrence

I hope to write more about the emotional and psychological aspects of my current experience in injury, incapacity, and recovery in a future post.

* The Body – Thoughts – Feelings Connection

* Depressive Realism

* Self Care

The Kellevision blog has been up for a little over a year. It contains a wealth of perceptive, practical information about psychological health and self care, and is updated regularly. I plan to revisit it often to explore the archives as well as to keep up with the latest posts. Highly recommended.

my mum (say a little prayer for her) is 90

My mother is a crumbling building.

My mother is a rusted out car up on blocks
in the front yard whose engine is sound
and who longs for the thrill of the highway.

My mother is a story that doesn’t know how to
be told, and doesn’t know how to end, and
doesn’t even know what the superheroes could
do to help save her.

My mother is a boat on its way to Europe
in a thunderstorm.

My mother is a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie.

My mother is an Angel Food cake.

My mother is a nature lover, a fresh air lover,
a flower lover, a great view lover, a sunset lover,
a people lover, a very gentle soul.

When she thinks about herself my mother’s
brain is a wasp nest, her nerves are an
electrical fire, she feels like a racehorse
locked inside a burning barn.

My mother never meant anyone harm.

My mother is a caterpillar that is restless
in the cocoon and wants to be a butterfly.

David Jewell

David’s fine spoken word piece “grandfather” is a great companion to the above poem.