What I notice among people who minimize feelings is that they are so busy filling up their lives with empty pursuits, they never take the time to identify, express or feel an emotion that can feed a person in ways nothing else can. And in that spirit, I think you exemplify someone so in touch with every emotion that you know how to explain it to those empty souls who haven’t a clue. It’s a gift and not a curse. The curse is not feeling or allowing yourself to identify, process or acknowledge that feelings like food are what allows us to be truly alive.

You are absolutely correct. You and I share the same experience and perspective on this subject. Regardless of how prepared we think that we are, we can and should mentor younger men.

Thanks for sharing,

Frank

I was first made aware of the Alternatives Institute by another reader of my blog several months ago and was very encouraged by what I saw on the site. Thank you for the reminder.

With regard to the current state of affairs at the Good Men Project, which you mentioned in your previous comment, there’s a lot I could say, but I’ll limit myself to what’s on my mind at the moment. Any site that publishes (and thereby gives its implicit approval to) an article in which a father proudly shares the story of how he told his innocent 4-year-old son that trying to kiss his preschool “girlfriend” is rape is a site that has massive, probably irreparable problems. The fact that GMP presents itself as a site for and about men only makes matters worse.

I submitted what I considered to be a very measured comment in response to that article almost three hours ago and it has yet to be posted on the site. Perhaps there’s a moderation delay, which is something I’ve encountered before, so I’m trying to be patient. I try to avoid GMP as much as possible now because what I see has such a strong and consistent tendency to ruin my day and I’d also prefer not to help draw attention to material that is so frequently unhelpful and often downright harmful to men, but in this case I felt I could not be silent.

I’ve found a lot in Buddhism that speaks to me. Much help there. Peace and joy in the midst of about anything is possible. Having that inside is wonderful. Healing together is what I’d like to promote, but there’s no place I’ve found that will allow it. And I don’t need it so much myself now. The elders who can lead are lost.

Heard of this? Just found them: http://www.alternativesinstitute.com/ Looks promising.

The group about which I wrote in my post is, unfortunately, long gone, and as you said, groups for men (let alone groups for male survivors) can be hard to find. As I said in my post, I was fortunate that someone on the staff of the local rape crisis center (and I don’t know who) had the foresight, compassion, and understanding to host a group for men in the facility, despite the obvious displeasure with which we were regarded by many of the women there. To the best of my knowledge, there hasn’t been another group for men there since.

I’m glad you’re succeeding in not hating people as there’s simply no reward in taking that path. It’s impossible to keep one’s heart open and closed simultaneously. I also understand the strong feelings, which are valid and must be acknowledged and given their due in some fashion. Hopefully they can serve as fuel for you to keep your mind and heart burning clean.

On the plus side, there are a lot of good women out there working in favor of boys and men who’ve been violated and abused. One example is Kathy Barbini, founder of Big Voice Pictures and creator of the wonderful documentary Boys and Men Healing (reviewed here on my blog), which you may have seen. My blog post “Painful projections” is, in my view, another great example of a woman bravely coming to terms with her own history and its impact on her view of men. I believe that as more women do this level of work in their lives, we’ll move toward a point where more men and women can truly work together for the common good, as we should.

It pains me to read about the difficulties you’ve encountered but I also have the sense that you’re going to continue to find ways to carry on with the work you need to do. That’s what counts. If you ever need a bit more inspiration, have a look at the Back on Track documentary created by a group of male survivors in Australia (watch online here). Just an outstanding example of what can be accomplished when courageous men come together to heal, no matter how damaged they are, or think they are.

As for The Good Men Project, I left months ago. It bothered me too that really, really good posts about men, and male victims were so ignored. It’s not really about men at all but what feminists want men to think about themselves.

I’m trying (and succeeding) not to hate these people for weaponizing a terrible cultural problem in service to their gender war. My eyes have certainly been opened as to what they are though, and I’ll have nothing to do with them. I think more people are seeing them clearly too.