I’ve posted some preview material on my web site at rickbelden.com/new_book, including an excerpt from the introduction and some of the poems that appear in the book.

I’m also making preview copies of the complete manuscript available to those who’d like an early look. Please see rickbelden.com/new_book for information about getting a preview copy.

today I don’t poison myself for a pension
today I don’t soil my spirit
today I don’t split my soul.

yesterday I was
lightning in a bottle
a watermelon on the vine
a rocket on the pad.

today I’m a rusty old pile of railroad spikes
tossed together in a heap by the tracks
wondering why the trains don’t come anymore.

today I’m quiet
today I don’t speak
today I listen.

today I walk the circle
that leads to the center
from the outside
to the inside
and back again.

today I know that I’m only a sparkle of sunlight
shimmering on the surface of an ageless sea
today I hear the blade cutter in the distance
but I know it’s not for me
today I know the scariest thing I’ve ever known
that I can’t make my life
the life I thought it would be
not today
maybe tomorrow
but not today.

(PDF version)

tonight he dreamed of a reunion
with all of his high school peers
no one had changed too much
then he woke up
and realized
everything had changed.

while he’d been struggling with how it was
and dreaming about how it oughta be
everyone else had been getting on with it
getting married
having kids
building careers
making money
growing up.

now the arrogant aging wonder boy
looks in that yearbook in his head and sees
doctors lawyers businesspeople
bosses owners academics
masters of government and commerce
kings and queens of the corporate world
wily investors
and more millionaires than he probably realizes.

he jolts awake at four in the morning
sweating
heart pounding
no wife
no kids
rented apartment
lousy job
a few thousand in the bank
wondering if there’s still time to turn it all around
scared to death there isn’t
worried it’s already too late
worried that the same reverse jedi mind tricks that got him here
will keep him here.

so here I am at four AM
in the dead quiet of the dark
the only sound I can hear
is the ringing in my own ears
peter pan at midlife
plus a few years
wondering what the hell happened
where it all went
the former smartest guy in the room
mister know-it-all
a victim of my own inner hype
narcissistic
grandiose
egotistic
idealistic
moralistic
unrealistic
overcompensating underperforming
king of the world
(population: one)
slapped down by time
and my own inflated pretensions.

even my dreams lie to me now
no one got older
nothing has changed
plenty of time left …

wake up sleepy man
time is ticking
am I gonna get real
or
am I just gonna get old
or
is it too damn late now anyway
no matter what I do.

(PDF version)

I’ve tried for years to walk a middle path
between living and making a living
but sooner or later
in every job
I begin to lose myself in the daily stream of
phony crises and real compromises
over time
I become someone else
I change
my words
my posture
even my thoughts.

here’s a typical workday
no matter how good I’m feeling in the morning
no matter how peaceful or centered
when I sit down in that chair in my cubicle for the first time
my energy immediately plummets
my body sinks into the floor
my mind falls into work sleep
next thing I know
I’m a beast again
driving home like a crazy man
getting pissed off at everyone
everywhere
for everything
for nothing
heart like a rock
a werewolf on wheels
race home
eat pizza
watch tv
zone out
fall asleep
wake up
do it again
repeat until dead.

eventually
the part of me that’s being pushed down always fights back
one way or another
and the whole situation collapses
either from within or without
and I’m free again
for a while
until all that money I bled to make
drips away
then it’s time to find
yet another job
and spend my days in
yet another place
where my reality
what I value and know to be true for me
doesn’t seem to count for anything.

having to surrender my reality and forget who I am to survive
is exactly what I experienced as a child
it makes me feel crazy and depressed and isolated and rejected and powerless
and it is
above all else
very familiar.

(PDF version)