sweet scent swirling swimming she surprised surrendered allowed me inside her sacred space where I recollected remembered reconnected myself and now I don't want to wash the taste of her fountain from my skin.
gemini kitten with your supernova eyes drown me in your fountain of youth. charm me with your purple advance overcome my disbelief knock my train right off its tracks reignite my burnt-out heart. win me over come inside wake me up then go away. rebel foxy feisty genius micro romance blindside flash leave me sleepless in the dark calling for my missing twin.
sometimes when I stop and think about it I can hardly believe that no one loves me not one woman in all the world. sixteen years in loveless wilderness waiting not waiting trying not trying hoping not hoping coping not coping. still starving but no longer hungry a steady diet of poison treats and gut punches has killed my appetite. I remember what I was like how much I trusted how much I was willing to give once upon a time poor guileless innocent eager naïf on the game board bright eyes and bright heart both bruised and bled dry over and over by tricks and traps toxic affections love that was not love. now I feel like a piece of spoiled meat. now I trust strippers and hookers more than I trust the girl next door 'cause they'll never be able to lure me in break me down and slice me open the way she can.
watching leaves turn riding through mountains dreaming of oceans dining in splendor. landscapes unseen faraway planets hearts beating softly sleeping in springtime. fingers inside her panting and sighing rising and falling bottomless lake. time without time space without space face like a mirror she is my river. who comes in dreams who has no name I wait for her my unknown love.
naked young women with fishing poles dance inside my eyes their hooks waiting restlessly within my chest memories of hot female sway I tug at their lines they reel me in.
well she's gone alright two weeks gone + now initial euphoria of it's about time + thank god that's over slowly gives way to really alone again + what now + why. it's not a vacation she's not coming back I know it but don't understand it mourning is still just a concept to me so I pitch + toss instead of sleeping catch a cold instead of weeping. alone in the house we used to live in our room empty her room empty my room exactly as it was a time warp where she's still outside my door. hyperactive spirit cats haunt the echo hallway biting my hands + fingers in the night clawing at love's closed door sleep is impossible at best + goddammit I wanna know why was it so easy for her to give up on me.
wild animal lies injured in the street saturday night cars zoom past uncaring barely missing breath comes in halting irregular painful spasms struggle to live. man stops pokes the animal with a hammer handle + says it's dead it just don't know it yet he's right I can't save it the best I can do tonight is watch it die. sadness comes like a wave of bricks like a meteor shower like a razor blade blizzard. sadness comes like a rib cage drill press like a sledgehammer shotgun like a breastbone ripsaw. work isn't the answer food isn't the answer sex isn't the answer money isn't the answer she isn't the answer. even the answer isn't the answer on a night like this what was the question anyway? she doesn't appreciate me I don't appreciate her I'm not enough she's not enough we're not enough can't anybody tell me how to get one of these things to work? we were wild once but now the ruts are too deep we went to sleep together + woke up in separate beds in separate rooms in separate lives how could I let this happen to me again? if I leave now I'm a quitter If I don't leave I'm a coward if I leave now I'm a coward if I don't leave I'm a liar. I really need some sleep. I thought we could leapfrog over our loneliness + sorrow I tried to cut corners + now here I am backed into one again. all those conflicts we avoided all those scary arguments we never had all those times my soul said wait + my heart said now please now. these are the things that pin me down + sit on my chest like a playground bully squeezing + stifling my affection for her until breath comes in halting irregular painful spasms. it's dead it just don't know it yet he's right I can't save this one either the best I can do tonight is watch it die.
I want to hold her close feel her legs around me I want to give her everything I've got exhaust myself into her sink into her skin and sleep on her like a lazy shepherd napping with his flock on a hillside in the sweet summer sun.
This one was written in the fall of 1990 just before Iron Man Family Outing was published. It was one of the last few poems I completed before the long poetry drought that began in 1991 and finally ended in August 2008. This poem, along with many others, was tucked away and forgotten, then rediscovered in October 2010 during my exploration of a box in the closet that became the Iron Man Family Outtakes project.
Once again, as in the case of my last poem featured in The Austin Chronicle, I find it amazing that I’m seeing something I wrote 22 years ago in print for the first time. It provides an interesting glimpse into who I was at that time, and in all honesty, makes me a bit sad because I can see the almost heroic optimism I still had about romance and relationships at that point in my life.
I don’t have that brave (maybe foolish) confidence in love anymore. Haven’t had it for a long, long time. After all the rejections, infidelities, and failed relationships, and all the sexless, loveless years that have followed, I hardly ever think about romantic endeavors now. When I do, I typically tend to view such activities as belonging on the “fools rush in where angels fear to tread” end of the spectrum. And that’s on a good day.
Reading this little communiqué I wrote to myself 22 years ago has made me realize how much I miss feeling the way I did and being the guy I was when I wrote it. It also makes me wonder if I’ll ever feel that way and be that guy (older and hopefully a bit wiser) again.